Pained Read online

  Pained

  Bullied, Volume 2

  Vera Hollins

  Published by Vera Hollins, 2020.

  Copyright © 2020 by Vera Hollins

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be utilized, reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, including electronic or mechanical methods, without the written consent of the author, except for the use of brief quotations in book reviews.

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, events, and incidents are either the product of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual events or persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

  Warning: This book contains mature and sensitive themes such as abuse, violence, and offensive language. It includes situations that may be triggering for some readers, so caution is advised.

  Edited by: Bethany Salminen

  Cover Design by: Rasha Savic

  Cover Girl Art photo by: annamile from Depositphotos

  Table of Contents

  Title Page

  Copyright Page

  Dedication

  Playlist

  Prologue

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Chapter 26

  Afterword

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  To everyone who struggles with mental health. There is always light at the end of the tunnel.

  Playlist

  “Easier to Run”—Linkin Park

  “Failure”—Breaking Benjamin

  “Fight to Forget”—Red

  “Bad Dream”—Ruelle

  “Hiding Place”—Cinephile

  “Walking in My Shoes”—Depeche Mode

  “You”—Breaking Benjamin

  “Popular Monster”—Falling in Reverse

  “Crawling”—Linkin Park

  “No End, No Beginning”—Poets Of The Fall

  “Colorblind”—Counting Crows

  “Butterflies”—Alicia Keys

  Prologue

  THREE AND A HALF YEARS AGO

  “You’re so dumb,” my classmate Ethan said from the back of the classroom, and almost everyone started laughing. “And red like a tomato.” My blush intensified.

  I stood in front of the blackboard, done with my long-dreaded presentation about the relationship between setting and theme in Pride and Prejudice. I didn’t like public speaking, and I counted the seconds until the teacher finally allowed me to go back to my seat.

  I couldn’t calm the sickening tempo of my heartbeat, and I tried my best to ignore the stares as I looked at the floor. I detested being the center of attention. I’d barely managed to collect myself enough to finish the presentation successfully.

  “Silence, Ethan. I don’t want to hear a word from you,” Ms. Simmons said.

  “Yeah, yeah. I’m sorry Ms. S. I won’t say a word to Tomato.”

  Ms. Simmons glared at him. “Ethan, unless you want detention, you better keep your mouth shut.” She turned to me. “Well done, Sarah. Your presentation was thorough, and you showed a good understanding of the story’s elements. Keep up the good work. You may go to your seat now.”

  A few students whispered that stupid nickname as I passed their desks. Ethan sat right behind me, but I didn’t look at him. I couldn’t wait to leave school. We had early release today, so only several minutes separated me from the end of this torture.

  “Hey, Tomato?” Ethan whispered. I didn’t move, sensing him very close to me. “You’re an ugly creep. Why don’t you do us all a favor and put a bag over your head next time?”

  “Or you could stay out of our sight for good,” a girl at the desk next to mine muttered viciously. My throat tightened. I hated that I could never defend myself. I could only feel fear and embarrassment, which made me incapable of fighting back.

  The bell rang, and I didn’t waste a second. I rushed out of the classroom, finally able to get away from this suffocating place.

  Just one more month, Sarah. One more month until the end of junior high and you won’t see these people anymore.

  I quickly darted out of the school so my bullies wouldn’t catch up with me, reaching the school gates in no time. I welcomed the noisy streets of New Haven, Connecticut that provided a temporary escape from the nightmares of my life.

  Those nightmares were everywhere—at school, where everyone found me an easy target, and at home, where I had to deal with my drunk, moody mother and her latest boyfriend, Brad.

  I slowed down my pace, the thought of him instilling cold fear in me. I was in no hurry to go back to our apartment. I couldn’t know if Brad was going to be there, and I didn’t want to see him. I wanted him gone from my life.

  I was terrified of him. He was one of the most despicable people I’d ever met. They had been dating for a couple of months, but Brad only showed his true colors recently. He started to beat my mom and force her to do whatever he wanted. Each time I tried to defend her, he would slap me or threaten to break my bones if I didn’t lock myself in my room and leave them alone.

  I called the police once and told them about the abuse, but it was futile since Mom hadn’t confirmed my accusations. Brad retaliated by beating her next day. She was a silent victim of abuse, and I was useless and unable to do anything to help her.

  She never said a word about Brad, and I didn’t understand why she protected him. Why did she stay with him? Why did she defend that sick bastard?

  I climbed up the rusty stairs of our old, half-deserted apartment building, hoping for the millionth time that my mother had finally decided to leave him. I hadn’t slept well these last few weeks, anxious about Brad when I was supposed to focus on my final exams.

  I reached the third floor and continued to our apartment at the very end of the hallway, taking the keys out of my jeans pocket. An ear-shattering scream pierced the silence, and I halted, my blood freezing. It came from our place.

  I opened the door in maddening haste, darting inside. I found Brad on top of my mother on the floor in our living room. He was punching her in the face, his ferociousness striking terror into me.

  No.

  “P-Please... Stop!” My mother pleaded and wailed, half-naked and trapped under Brad’s huge body. Her ripped skirt and panties lay discarded next to her.

  I let my backpack fall and grabbed the wooden chair next to me as he started unbuttoning his jeans. With a visceral cry, I raised the chair and slammed it into his massive back.

  He growled and dropped to the side, seemingly knocked out. I let go of the chair and wrapped my arm around Mom to help her get up. We had to leave fast.

  “Come on, Mom. Let’s get out of here.” I swallowed when I took in her horribly injured face and glassy eyes. She clung onto her shirt, trying to cover herself as she stared vacantly at the floor.

  Just as I managed to get her up, a quick movement to my right caught my eye. I moved, but I wasn’t fast enough, and something hit me. Pain exploded in the side of my head. I lost my balance and collapsed on the floor. My mother screamed, and I looked over my shoulder. Brad punched her, leaving her incapacitated.

  His sinister blue eyes found mine. �
��You’re going to pay for hitting me.”

  I whimpered and scrambled to my feet, looking for any object that could help me against him. We were the only residents on this floor, but I hoped against hope someone would hear and call the police. I spotted the phone on the coffee table but reaching it seemed impossible now.

  He grabbed my upper arm and spun me around. “Where do you think you’re going, bitch?”

  He swung his fist, and I barely had time to protect my face. A burning pain pierced my shoulder, and I couldn’t even recover before he landed a blow to my stomach. I was unable to breathe, collapsing to the floor in nauseating pain. He sat on me and pinned my arms above me, leaving me unable to defend myself.

  “Why don’t you leave grownups to play, huh?” He grinned savagely, and a chilling, disgusting thought came to my mind when my eyes fell on his open jeans. He’s going to rape her. “How about you take a nap?” He swung his fist at my head, and I braced myself for the worst.

  The last thing I saw before I was plunged into terrifying blackness was my ghostly pale mother lying in a fetal position on the floor. She was silently staring off into nowhere—completely lost and broken.

  Chapter 1

  PRESENT

  “Try not to get too drunk.” I read Mateo’s message and smiled.

  “Same to you,” I texted back, adding a smiley at the end of my message.

  It was Saturday night, and Jessica and I were having a sleepover at Melissa’s place. We were playing Truth or Dare on the floor of Mel’s room, dressed in pajamas and drinking the beer her parents had left in the fridge. We were all alone in the house since Melissa’s dad had stayed at his law firm to work on one of his cases, and her mom was on a business trip.

  My phone beeped every once in a while, notifying me about a new message from Mateo, who was hanging out with his friends.

  “Mateo told me not to get too drunk.” Jessica and Melissa looked at each other and chuckled, clinking their cans.

  “He’s such a sweetheart, worrying about you. He’s not able to breathe without you,” Mel cooed, and I smacked her knee. “What? That’s true! You saw each other earlier tonight, and he’s already texting you. He misses you so much! Moreover, he cares about your alcohol intake. Such burning love! Such passion!” She stood on her knees and raised her arms in air, her expression overly dramatic.

  I rolled my eyes and burst out laughing. She was already drunk, like Jessica and me, and more childish than usual.

  I looked at them and felt a huge wave of gratitude. I loved spending time with Mel and Jess and acting like a normal teenager. It helped me forget about the problems in my life. It made me stronger and less anxious about the future. Life wasn’t only about the darkness and pain, and I could finally relax and focus on the positive things that had eluded me for so long.

  Almost three months ago I didn’t have anyone by my side, but now I had Mateo, Jess, and Mel, and they were amazing. We were getting to know each other more each day, and I was becoming more comfortable around them.

  They helped me believe in myself, which I struggled with even now. Sadly, my self-esteem and self-respect couldn’t be developed that easily or quickly. I still distrusted people. I still had many scars, but I refused to be negative about them. I wanted to believe I would heal one day. I wanted to believe life had much more to offer me.

  Kayden would be so happy to see me now, and he would definitely like my friends. He would say something like, “What did I tell you, dummy? You aren’t as much of a weirdo as you thought, and you can do much better than you think.” He’d always believed in me, no matter what.

  “Well, it’s normal he’s all romantic now. They celebrated their one-month anniversary yesterday,” Jess said and downed her can.

  One month. I smiled at the thought. I remembered the cute bracelet I’d left on my desk, which he’d given me last night. It had small, heart-shaped charms of different sizes attached to the chain, and it was cute, just like him. Mateo Diaz was always thoughtful.

  I couldn’t believe I was dating him. Even when he asked me out on our first date, I had a feeling we would be over quickly, but here we were, celebrating a one-month anniversary. For some people, one month wasn’t a big deal, but for me, who had never had a boyfriend before, this was huge, especially because of the way everything had started...

  A few threads of an old, dark web caught me, and my smile dropped.

  “What’s wrong?” Jessica asked, noticing the change in me.

  I tugged my hair and tightened my ponytail, which was one of the things I did when I was nervous. “Nothing. It’s my turn to spin the bottle, right?” I said and spun the bottle.

  Almost two months had passed since I pushed Hayden Black away. Two months since I bled in anguish in that hospital room, having told him I didn’t care about him. Two months since I learned in the most painful way he’d loved me...

  The bottle stopped on Jessica. “Truth or dare?” I asked her.

  “Truth,” she said without hesitation.

  “Would you kiss Steven?”

  Melissa grimaced at me. “Eww! That’s my brother you’re talking about!”

  I shrugged my shoulder. “What? Nobody said this game was fair.”

  Jess giggled. “Nope. No offense, Mel, but kissing your brother would be like kissing a snail. Wet and gross.”

  Melissa’s grimace deepened. “Stop. Let’s not talk about my brother, ‘kay? I don’t want to throw up my dinner.” She took large gulps of her beer.

  “If you keep drinking like that, you’ll throw up anyway,” I teased.

  She burped. “Noted, mom.”

  Jessica spun the bottle, but I wasn’t able to focus on the game anymore. I finished my beer, and Melissa handed me another can. My drunkenness couldn’t prevent me from returning to those painful memories of Hayden. It was always like that—once I started thinking about him, I couldn’t stop. His kisses and touches were carved deep in my mind, often replaying like a broken record.

  I’d hurt us both, and despite trying my best to focus solely on Mateo, there were moments when my thoughts betrayed me. I’d thought time would cure everything, but after two months I wasn’t so sure anymore. I liked Mateo, I really did, but that wasn’t love. It couldn’t be, because I’d stupidly given my heart to a person who had been my long time bully—to a person who had saved my life and grew to love me...

  He definitely didn’t love me anymore. I destroyed that when I rejected him.

  “Truth or dare?” Jess’s voice brought me back from my gloomy thoughts, and I saw the bottle had stopped on me.

  “Truth.”

  “Who kisses better? Mateo or Hayden?”

  My breathing faltered at her unexpected question. Melissa glared at her with a snarl. “Really? Of all the stupid questions, you had to ask the stupidest one.”

  Jessica arched her brows. “Why not? I want to know.”

  “Well, I don’t. I don’t care about that motherfucker or the way he kisses.” Her voice was filled with venom, but that wasn’t surprising. Melissa had disliked Hayden from the start, and even more after she learned about all the despicable things he’d done to me. She could never understand why I loved him.

  Mel was supportive of my relationship with Mateo, and she was sure I would forget Hayden sooner or later. Jess, on the other hand, understood the way I felt, and always told me to follow my heart. I was conflicted. I wanted to make the right choices, but my inner voice that claimed being separated from Hayden was wrong was becoming louder.

  I didn’t want to hurt Mateo. He was the kind of guy every girl would want, and he treated me like an angel. He made me happy, and I wanted to make him happy too, but there was a part of me that knew it was unfair of me to be with him when I had feelings for someone else. The guilt taunted me every now and then, but I quenched it each time, always hoping I would manage to forget Hayden.

  I couldn’t be with Hayden, especially now when we were more distanced from each other than ever. I still didn
’t know how to feel about his abuse. I was torn between forgiveness and resentment. The memories of everything he’d done for me, the night in the hospital when he told me about his feelings, and his fight with Josh were blended together, but even if I forgave him, Hayden wouldn’t be with me. The tables had turned, and it was Hayden who stayed away now, ignoring me whenever our paths crossed.

  The answer to Jess’s question was clear, but I didn’t want to say anything that could rile Melissa up.

  “Okay, I’ll change the question,” Jess said. “What’s the size of Mateo’s penis?”

  Melissa and I gaped at her and then cracked up. Jessica was like a different person when she was drunk.

  “I’m sorry, but the answer to this question remains a mystery even to me.”

  “So you guys definitely didn’t do it?” Mel asked me for what seemed like the hundredth time.

  “As I already told you so many times before, no, we didn’t do it.”

  “But you must have looked at his crotch sometimes,” Jessica persisted. “Or even felt it? You can surely guess.”

  This instantly reminded me of the way Hayden felt on top of me in my room. I’d lost myself in pleasure he gave me then, in that world filled with addictive, breathtaking sensations and frenzy that erased every trace of reason.

  I blushed, imagining sex with Hayden, not for the first time, because my twisted mind liked to play with me. Luckily, I could pretend my blush had everything to do with Mateo’s penis and nothing to do with the guy who made me feel all those mixed emotions.

  “And how could I guess, Jess? I’m not a ‘penis measurer.’ The next time I see Mateo I’ll kindly ask him to pull down his underwear and let me measure him for your records.”

  We burst into manic laughter again, but it was quickly interrupted by car noises outside. Brakes squealed, and doors opened and slammed shut.

  Mel’s eyes widened. She jumped to her feet and bolted to the window. “No, he can’t be doing this! He promised he wouldn’t!”