Pained Read online

  “What’s wrong?” Jess asked her.

  “My stupid brother brought his good-for-nothing friends here, and judging by the number of cars and people in front of our house, this isn’t just some small gathering.” She grunted. “He said he wouldn’t do that! Our parents are having a difficult time, and they strictly forbade him from pulling this kind of stunt.”

  I bit my lip, feeling sorry for Melissa’s current family situation. Her parents hadn’t had a good relationship lately, and despite trying to get over their differences, they were becoming more distanced from each other. They had even mentioned divorce, but for Melissa’s sake, I hoped they wouldn’t do it. According to Mel, they couldn’t get along because they disagreed on Steven’s upbringing, among other things. He was more troublesome than ever, but in spite of that, Mrs. Brooks defended him and refused to be stricter with him.

  “Maybe they won’t make any mess,” Jess said to calm her down.

  “Are you kidding me? Those junkies and alcoholics always fuck something up.” She looked through the window and groaned loudly.

  “What?” I asked her.

  “This is just great. Those idiots from your school are here too.” My heart squeezed painfully.

  “Hayden?” I blurted out, unable to stop myself from asking.

  “That asshole too.”

  My heartbeat reached a wild tempo. Hayden was here.

  “No. I won’t let Steven do this,” Mel muttered and made a beeline for the door.

  I stood up. “Wait! Where are you going?”

  “I’m going to make them leave.”

  I gaped at her. “You can’t be serious.”

  “Watch me,” she said and dashed out, not caring that she was only in her skull-patterned black pajamas.

  Jess’s brows knit together. “What is she going to do?”

  I went to the window to see who these people were and peeked through it so Hayden wouldn’t catch me looking if he was down there. However, everyone was already inside.

  We couldn’t let Melissa deal with all of them alone. She was drunk and didn’t care about the consequences, which was a sign of trouble.

  “She might make a mess, seeing how drunk she is. We can’t let her go there alone,” I said, already reaching for the door.

  “But we’re in our pajamas!” She pointed at my baby blue pajamas with a print of a white bunny on my chest.

  My eyes skimmed over Jess’s pink pajamas with a picture of an ice cream cone on the front. I’d rather we weren’t dressed like this, but there was no time to change.

  I took her by the hand with a reassuring smile. “I know, but we can’t waste any more time.”

  She smiled back and squeezed my hand. “You’re right. Let’s go.”

  We left Mel’s room and headed to the stairs. I felt anxious despite my alcoholic daze, carefully listening for any sounds from the first floor. I was nervous about meeting all those people, especially considering the way I was dressed, but most of all, I was nervous about seeing Hayden again. I had no idea how he would react when he saw me.

  My heart beat loudly in my ears as we went down the stairs, my social phobia kicking in. It was getting stronger the closer I was to all those strangers because I was afraid I would start blushing and make a fool of myself. Or worse—they would do something to humiliate me. The old worry that Hayden would do something to me returned, even though he’d paid me no attention these last two months.

  My chest ached at the bitter reality. It was ironic how I’d always wanted Hayden to leave me alone and let me live in peace, but when he finally did that, I felt hurt and dejected. I didn’t have the right to feel this way. I’d been the one who pushed those cruel words out of me, emotionally exhausted and too confused to deal with the maelstrom I was in.

  Hayden had said I didn’t exist for him anymore, and he stayed true to his words. He didn’t even look at me, let alone speak to me. Actually, I rarely saw him because he skipped school a lot. When he didn’t, he often came with bruises on his face, which told me he was fighting a lot more lately. He suffered a shoulder injury when Josh stabbed him that night in my house, and he was supposed to let it heal properly, not damage it more in fights.

  I was worried about him. I didn’t want him to suffer, physically or mentally. I’d already caused more than enough damage in the hospital.

  When I was discharged, I researched Hayden’s disorder. Hayden had borderline personality disorder, and after several sleepless nights I spent on countless websites, BPD forums, and YouTube channels of people with BPD, I finally realized I’d made a serious mistake. I didn’t choose my words wisely or take his feelings into consideration when I rejected him. I acted like he wasn’t important at all, making him feel even less secure and extremely vulnerable after he’d opened his heart to me. I felt guilty for lying and reacting harshly.

  I knew I made the right choice then, but my heart didn’t want to listen to logic. It didn’t want to take into account all those awful memories of Hayden. It didn’t care about my fears and scars. It just wanted to love him and make him happy.

  Enough, Sarah. You’re with Mateo, and he doesn’t deserve this.

  I held my breath when we reached the first floor, but there was no one in the living room. Rock music blared from Steven’s entertainment room, so we headed there.

  The huge entertainment room contained a small bar, pool table, two red leather sectional sofas, an enormous flat-screen TV on a wine-red wall, and a stereo system with speakers in every corner. Steven frequently brought his pals there to smoke pot when his parents weren’t home, much to Mel’s displeasure.

  The door was wide open, and the shiver-inducing melody of Linkin Park’s “Easier to Run” mixed with the loud voices.

  “Steven, get your sleazy ass up and throw these people out,” Mel shrieked. I glanced at Jess, recognizing in her the same anxiety I felt.

  “And no, asshole! You’re not going to play fricking pool. Get out of my house,” Mel screamed again, more furiously, and Jess and I rushed inside.

  The room was dimly lit, bathed in red light coming from the recessed linear lights in the ceiling, and I had to strain to see through the clouds of cigarette smoke that curled around the lounging people. Melissa stood next to the pool table confronting Masen Brown.

  Sweat broke out on my skin when the guys nearest to us started staring at Jessica and me. Their eyes widened when they took in our pajamas, and I felt completely naked. I swallowed hard and looked around the room, skimming over the people until I finally found the one I was looking for.

  My heart skipped a beat; a rush of desirous, bitter feelings twirled inside me, drowning me in their intensity. Hayden was sitting on a couch next to the bar with a redhead girl straddling him. His face, which sported a few fresh bruises near his left eye, was buried in her neck, and he kissed her slowly, but his searing eyes were trained on me over her shoulder. I couldn’t even breathe as his dark, indecipherable eyes slid down my body, and I waited... I waited...

  A twisted, misplaced disappointment filled me when he didn’t move to get up and demand to know what I was doing here. Instead, he closed his eyes, pulled the redhead’s ponytail to the side, exposing her neck, and kissed her with a hunger that invoked the sharp pangs of something I refused to admit was jealousy.

  He didn’t care about me anymore. He’d moved on. It was a good thing, but instead of being happy for him, I was upset, which was absurd.

  Jess inhaled sharply, and I followed her gaze to Blake Jones, who was sitting on the same couch as Hayden with some brunette. He stared back at Jess in disbelief. The brunette was kissing his neck, her arm wound around his waist, but he didn’t pay any attention to her. He gave Jessica a once-over, and the air grew thick with the strange vibes from both of them.

  I glanced at Jessica. She stood paralyzed, her gaze solely on Blake.

  “Um, Jess?” I began, but then Melissa yelled, “Don’t pretend like I’m not here!”

  Masen ignored her, rackin
g up the balls and getting ready to make the opening shot. He bent and aimed, focusing on the cue ball. I caught sight of a few fresh bruises on his cheeks too.

  “Are you listening to me?!”

  “Move away, Satan. Stop bothering me.”

  “What did you just call me?!”

  Masen straightened. He was six feet tall and only hovered over her by two inches, but he looked intimidating nevertheless. “You heard me, Satan. Go and harass someone who gives a shit.”

  Melissa looked like she was going to chop his head off. Masen leaned over the table and rested the front end of the cue stick between his fingers. Just as he was about to hit the cue ball, Melissa smacked his elbow and Masen’s pool cue scraped the felt.

  “What the fuck is wrong with you?!” Masen pushed her backward, throwing the cue on the table.

  Steven got up from the bar stool and stopped between them, putting his hands on Masen’s shoulders to calm him down. “Hey, Mace. Relax.”

  “This nutjob should relax! She looks like she needs to get fucked. She has a lot of that crazy tension inside of her that really goes on my nerves.” Mel’s face reddened in anger, the veins popping out on her temples. “Oh. Is that it? You need sex to let off some steam? Well, I have some bad news for ya, Satan. No one would fuck a disgusting, ugly girl like you. You don’t even look like a girl, to tell you the truth. Now, go back to your room and play with your voodoo dolls or something.”

  “Bro, don’t talk to my sister like that,” Steven said in a raised voice, shoving him away.

  Masen caught himself and gave Steven a cold look. “Stop defending her every time she fucks something up. She’s your sister, I get it, but don’t always try to get her out of the mess she’s made herself.”

  “Nobody needs to get me out of my mess,” Mel hissed. “In fact, I’ll make an even bigger mess. Of your face!”

  She pushed Steven aside and jumped on Masen, who lost his balance under her violent blows and fell on the ground trapped beneath her. Straddling his waist, she delivered a flurry of punches onto his chest and shoulders. Masen tried to push her off him, but she didn’t even budge.

  “Get off of me, bitch!”

  I shot over to her and wrapped my arms around her waist, yanking her back. “Hey! Hey, Mel! Calm down!” I yanked her again, but she was strong.

  “Let me go, Sar! I’ll show Barbie who he’s messing with!”

  Barbie? What the hell was wrong with her? I knew she hated Steven’s friends, especially Hayden and his best friends, Blake and Masen, but her verbal clashes with Masen were getting worse recently, and I had no idea what had gotten into her.

  “Barbie?” I growled into her ear, struggling to tear her away from him.

  “Yeah. He’s blonde and stupid.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Okay, now I know you drank too much.” I tugged her forcefully, and we both fell back on the floor.

  “Finally,” Masen hissed. He stood up and glared at Mel. “I didn’t think the day would come when I would have to thank you, Sars,” he said sarcastically, but his sneer was directed at Melissa. “I’m not surprised you two are such good friends. Both of you are fucking creep shows.”

  “YOU!” Melissa shrieked and got to her feet, tensing all over again. “I’ll show you a creep show! I’ll—”

  “Mel! Enough!” I stood and grabbed her shoulders. She smacked my hand away, glowering at me. She opened her mouth to argue but was interrupted when one of the guys told Steven, “I think your sister would do great in the ring. She’s a natural fighter.”

  Steven chuckled and looked at Jess on Mel’s other side, and then at me. “Sarah and Jessica! It’s good to see you here, girls,” he exclaimed, finally acknowledging us.

  “Sarah Jessica Parker?” a guy who looked like Drake said, and a couple of guys chuckled.

  Mel rolled her eyes. “Yeah, really funny. Steven, I want all these people out of my house right this moment.”

  “And I want you to stop acting like you’re my parent, my little sister. Chill. We came here to relax after some fights. We won’t set the house on fire.”

  “First of all, I’m not your ‘little sister.’ I’m only ten months younger than you. Secondly, you were fighting again. You obviously lied to our parents last week when you said you wouldn’t do it again.”

  “So I lied. What’s the big deal?”

  “What’s the big deal?! Underground fighting is a crime. It’s what criminals do, idiot! And our family is going through a rough patch at the moment! Do you want Mom and Dad to separate? Anything could push them over the edge, and we don’t need a reason for them to get divorced sooner rather than later!”

  Steven’s expression turned serious; his stoned gaze suddenly cleared. A shadow crossed his face as he held her stare. “If that would make them stop breathing down my neck, then yes, I want them separated. Don’t you see they’re making everything worse? All they do is fight and find problems when there aren’t any.”

  “You’re wrong. It’s not like that. Besides, you’re making everything more difficult for them—”

  Steven rested his hands on her shoulders and leveled his eyes on hers. His jolly mask was back on his face in an instant. “Hey, sis. Relax. This is not the time to talk about something so lame. Since you’re here, have some fun instead of stressing over nothing.” He dropped his hands, rising to his full height. “But the next time you come hang, try wearing something else.” His eyes slid over Jessica and me, and he chuckled. “What are you three? The fifth graders? Those pajamas are so childish.”

  I wished the ground would swallow me up and I wouldn’t have to face this embarrassment. I felt my cheeks burning as I returned Jess’s gaze, who looked equally uncomfortable. My skin prickled under the scrutiny of all these people, and I felt naked once again.

  I glanced at Hayden and flinched when I found his dark eyes on mine. I still couldn’t discern any emotion in them as he returned my gaze without blinking. The redhead moved to sit next to him, looking at us with a mocking smirk on her beautiful face, and recognition dawned on me. It was Maya, a senior at our school and member of the cheerleading squad. She was also the girl Hayden had been kissing at Steven’s party two months ago.

  Maya was Hayden’s latest fling, or they were a thing, but who knew for sure? All I knew was that they could be seen together during lunch or breaks these last few weeks, and they didn’t hide their mutual attraction.

  “And what would you want us to wear? Negligé?” Melissa asked Steven.

  He snorted. “Something decent, Mel, not sexy. I don’t want any douchebags drooling over my sister. Now—” He reached for Jess and me and led us to the bar. “What would you like to drink, girls?”

  Unease clawed its way through me because he was touching me like this. I tried to pull my hand out of his, but he didn’t let me. He literally sat me down on the bar stool.

  “Nothing. We’re leaving,” I replied and got up to leave, but Drake’s look-alike stopped in front of me and pushed me back down.

  “Why do you want to leave so soon? Stay and have some fun with us.”

  I didn’t want to have “fun” with them. I didn’t like it here, and if Mateo knew what I’d gotten myself into, he definitely wouldn’t like it either. Besides, being in the same room as Hayden, who wasn’t even paying attention to me, was suffocating.

  “No,” I answered him, refusing someone outright for the first time. In the past, I’d always remained silent and compliant, instead of voicing how I truly felt. I followed Jonathan’s advice at last and said “no” directly.

  He would definitely give me a thumbs-up if he could see me. Or he would just roll his eyes and say something in his usual grumpy manner.

  A college guy with curly hair sat next to Jessica, his gaze glued to the ice cream print on her chest. “Mmm, I’d like to lick the ice cream off your chest.”

  I whipped my head toward him and my jaw dropped. Jessica blushed and twisted her hands in her lap, her gaze downcast.

 
; Mel approached him with a sneer. “Tell me you didn’t just say that.”

  He raised his hands up and smiled, trying to look innocent. “I mean, I wanna eat some ice cream. The one in that picture looks delicious.”

  Blake got up from the couch, ditching the brunette wordlessly, and sat next to the college guy. Masen joined him and leaned against the bar to pour whiskey into his glass.

  “Do you even have eyes, man?” Blake asked the curly-haired guy. He took a can of beer from the bar fridge and opened it. “She’s a whale. Unless you like them big.” He smirked and took a huge swallow of his beer, holding his stare. Jess whimpered in shame. What a jerk.

  The college guy raised his eyebrow. “Do you like them big?”

  Blake grinned. “I’m for big boobs and ass anytime.” His smile dropped in an instant, and his eyes narrowed maliciously at Jessica. “Except when they’re attached to a whale. That ice cream is the only thing that looks good on her.”

  Jess pressed her wobbly lips together and her eyes filled with tears.

  “Do you know what would look good on you?” Melissa hissed in his face. “One big, fat bruise all over your face. I can make it happen.”

  Steven pulled her away from Blake and made her sit on the bar stool next to me. “Sit down, sis, and stop harassing my friends. If you’re not able to be civilized, leave.”

  “Your friends are the ones who aren’t civilized here. And we’ll leave.”

  “Oh come on. Stay a little longer,” Drake’s double whined, wearing a puppy face.

  “Yeah. One drink won’t kill you,” the college guy said.

  “Right,” Steven agreed and handed whiskey to the guys. He tried to give it to me too, but I refused, and got up from the barstool again. Jess and Mel could stay if they wanted to, but I was leaving. I was going to sleep. Mateo had probably texted me and was wondering why I hadn’t answered him yet.

  I looked at Hayden again, half-expecting the “old” him to come out and say he didn’t want me here so he would personally make me leave, but he didn’t even look at me. His eyes were fixed on Drake’s look-alike, who was now in front of me, preventing me from going further.