Trapped (Bullied Book 4) (Bullied Series) Page 5

  “Let him come. We’ll show him how it’s done,” Blake said, talking a big talk.

  I took the last bite of my cheeseburger. Sar had told me about their revolting gang activities. They participated in illegal races and fights, and some other members were also involved in theft and drug dealing. T was their gang leader. I just couldn’t understand why someone would ever join something as horrible as a gang.

  Blake, Masen, Steven, and Hayden had been in that gang for a long time, but more than a month earlier, Hayden had finally gotten out of it, leaving his troublesome past behind for Sarah and himself. He had to go through hell in order to leave, and even had a brush with death when other gang members jumped him out. It had taken him weeks to fully recover.

  Just imagining Blake in that same situation filled me with inexplicable fear. I shouldn’t have cared about that. That was his life, not mine. Yet, I was afraid for him. I wanted to laugh at myself for being afraid for my bully. I was so susceptible.

  Kevin finished his burger and took the last gulp of his Coke just as the waitress brought us the check. Finally.

  “Let’s go,” I said when we paid for the meal and stood up. My cheeks turned red as tomatoes because they all turned and silently watched us leave.

  I hurried past their table, too aware that I had to pass Blake to get my freedom, but he moved quickly. He threw his Coke at me, and the liquid landed all over my jacket and jeans. I halted with a gasp.

  My embarrassment hit an all-time high when the countless stares of the customers around the place were pinned on me in prolonged silence. One young teenager raised his phone as if he planned to film me, and I turned my head away from him. I felt like a zoo attraction.

  Anger, shame, and hurt boiled to the surface, getting stronger when I met Blake’s gaze, which was full of contempt. He smiled sardonically.

  “Oops,” he said, loudly enough for the people around us to hear him. “My hand slipped.”

  I had difficulty swallowing. “When? When will you stop doing this?” I could barely say it, my voice breaking. He showed zero remorse as usual.

  His smile disappeared in an instant. “I’ll never stop,” he said in a low voice only I could hear. “You can run, Fats, but it won’t make any difference.”

  My eyes filled with tears, which meant I had to escape before I got humiliated even more. I wasn’t going to let him see me cry. The stains on my clothes represented the shame, regrets, and pain I’d carried for a long time, and I was so sick of it. I wished all my problems could be magically eliminated. I wished a day would come when I wouldn’t have to fear Blake or others and could live my life in peace.

  I couldn’t look at anyone as I rushed with Kevin to the door and out into the cold. Only then did I succumb to the tears, regretting leaving my room in the first place.

  I went back home and locked myself in my room, where I spent the most of my Saturday evening and Sunday. Following my earlier spurt of inspiration, I created the lyrics and melody for “The Chains of Fears” and recorded myself performing it, which I later uploaded on my YouTube channel, Valerie.

  It was my pseudonym since I didn’t want to use my real name on my channel. Hiding my identity worked in my favor since people were intrigued to meet the face behind the voice, and it was thrilling but also intimidating. The incident from five years earlier had scarred me, and the best I could do at the moment was make music anonymously.

  Sunday passed too quickly, and another Monday morning rolled around. I almost stayed home, tucked safely under the covers in my room, but I didn’t forget the argument I’d had with my parents the last time I had decided to cut school and stay home. They had been furious with me, and I feared their reaction if I ever skipped again.

  Having managed to convince myself I would survive today’s detention with Blake, I quickly ate leftover Chinese and got ready for school.

  Luckily, I didn’t see Blake before lunchtime, but I was met with a few “Fats” and “Fatty” from some students in the hallways, which already made me regret showing up. One girl called me a “Food Slut” in French class and almost brought me to tears because it felt like that nickname was going to haunt me for the rest of my senior year. Students never forgot. They enjoyed picking on those who displayed weakness, and boy did I display it in more ways than one.

  One part of me wished I could transfer to another school, but Sarah was right—if I ran away, they won, and I was supposed to overcome my weakness.

  I met Kevin at his locker, and then we went to join Mel and Sar in the cafeteria.

  “Hayden is also th-there.” Kevin pointed at our table, and I followed his gaze.

  Hayden sat next to Sarah, his arm around her waist as he said something to her, and I felt a familiar pang of envy at seeing them so in love. Hayden never missed the opportunity to show how smitten he was with Sarah, looking at her like she was his reason for existing. He smiled most brightly when he was with her. I wanted an all-consuming love like theirs, but at this point it felt like a pipe dream.

  “Is something wrong with that?” I asked Kevin.

  He blushed. “Nope.” He didn’t look at me even once as we made our way to the lunch line.

  I tucked my hair behind my ears and pulled in my belly. I regretted wearing these jeans. They were too tight, and the high waistline cut deep into my skin. I sneaked a glance at Blake’s table and saw him talking to a girl sitting next to him. The girl laughed at something he said, looking even more beautiful with a smile, and my chest clenched. I tore my gaze away from them.

  She was another skinny girl, of course. Where did he find them? They all looked like they came straight from a runway.

  Suddenly, chicken nuggets didn’t look as appealing as they had seconds earlier. My stomach growled when I glanced at the roasted veggies, as if begging me to take the former. My scale had said I’d gained extra weight recently and should go on a diet ASAP, so it would be best to take only veggies…

  Oh, darn it! Absolutely no one could resist those delicious-looking chicken nuggets.

  Pushing my regret and guilt aside, I took my food and followed Kev to our table.

  “Hey,” I said as I sat down next to Mel.

  Kev stood contemplating where to sit. There was an available place next to Hayden, but he opted for the seat on Mel’s other side, his cheeks two red blotches.

  “You look like you’re going to shit yourself, Burks,” Hayden told him in an amused tone. “Relax. Breathe.”

  “Hayden!” Sarah said sharply.

  He raised his brow at her. “What? I’m just trying to help the guy. He always looks constipated around me.”

  Mel smacked her forehead. “We’re all going to look constipated around you if you don’t stop,” she told him.

  If Hayden’s looks could have killed, Melissa would have already been a ghost. “You look constipated all the time,” he said.

  “And you—” Mel started, but Sarah interrupted.

  “Okay, enough. Can we please eat without you two bickering?” She looked at Hayden with a plea in her eyes and kissed him on the cheek. “Please.”

  Hayden clenched his jaw, clearly battling with his emotions as he looked at Sar. Hayden had borderline personality disorder, which manifested in moments like this, when each little thing could provoke him and lead to an immense and uncontrollable anger. It was connected with his extremely low self-esteem and severe trust issues he’d had basically his whole life. Mel and Hayden hadn’t gotten along until recently, but even now they had a spat every once in a while. I could only imagine how hard it was for him to simmer down, and I admired that he tried his best to control himself.

  His face was taut as he reached for his Coke. “She should learn when to shut it,” he muttered.

  “Mel,” I mouthed at her when she parted her lips to respond, telling her with my gaze to drop it.

  Melissa was temperamental, fiery, and occasionally aggressive, and she never failed to give others a taste of their own medicine. It was no wonder s
he aspired to be a social activist, already working her butt off as vice president of the student council to root out bullying from this school. She was passionate and brave, but she had a thing or two to learn about controlling her aggressive impulses.

  She rolled her eyes. “Yeah, yeah.” She shoved a few French fries into her mouth. Her sullen face was rather funny. “Anyway, have you heard about the theme of the school festival?” A slow grin formed on her face. “All my efforts have paid off because The Uneducated Swine And Pain In The Ass agreed to it being anti-bullying. Hooray.”

  Hayden snorted. “What did you do to make it happen? Threaten to chop his dick off?”

  She raised her eyebrow at him and harumphed. “I’m promoting anti-violence here, although I wish I could do just that. He had to agree seeing that school board policies are changing. We’re finally getting people who are willing to investigate just what the hell is going on in this pit of hell and make changes for the better.”

  It was true. The days of Principal Anders’ corruption and poor work ethic were slowly coming to an end. Two weeks earlier, two seniors had pushed a freshman’s head into a toilet, and a third had recorded it then posted it on Instagram. East Willow High students often posted bullying content on their private or public social media accounts, but so far they had managed to stay under the media’s radar.

  However, a niece of a Connecticut senator had stumbled upon this video and showed it to him. In one day, the news of brutal bullying in Enfield’s high school spread across the state, and the authorities demanded a thorough investigation of our school’s administration. We had the media on our doorstep more often than not these days.

  Of course, the principal refused to take responsibility for this issue. He claimed he wasn’t aware there were severe cases of bullying at his school, but I didn’t think the investigators bought that.

  So now that our school was in the public eye, Mel was using the opportunity to start her anti-bullying campaign. She even claimed she would film bullies if she had to and would send the videos to the media until Anders finally quit.

  “We’ll organize events to raise bullying awareness and spread the message of peace. I thought we could invite victims of bullying to speak about their experience, so people can understand more easily,” Mel continued.

  “Now that’s a great idea,” Sarah said enthusiastically, and I agreed with her. I had to hand it to Mel for her ideas and willingness to make things right. We needed more people like her who were passionate about making the world a better place.

  “We can also play bullying documentaries,” Mel added.

  “While you’re at it,” Hayden interjected evenly, “why don’t you also show the side of bullies?”

  Mel frowned at him. “Their side? What do you mean?”

  “I mean, if you’re preaching, don’t speak just about victims. Speak about bullies too. Show our side. We aren’t all demons from hell. If people could understand us better, maybe we could have better chances at being less shitty.”

  We all gaped at him. I was surprised he was admitting out loud that he was one of the bullies, but what surprised me more was how I’d never thought about it that way. I’d never thought understanding bullies could make a difference, but it made sense. If they were ostracized and treated in the worst way possible, chances were slim to none that they would become better people or make something out of themselves.

  Hayden was a real example of this. He was able to change more easily because he had Sarah with him. Her understanding and support fueled his strength and will to change.

  Blake, on the other hand… I glanced at him. He talked with Masen and Steven at their table, with an ever-so-serious face, and I wondered once again what his story was. I was conflicted. Sarah had said some people could be so lost in their pain they were blind to how awful their actions were, but as much as I could understand it, that didn’t change the fact that I’d suffered so much.

  Even if what she said was true—that Blake could realize his mistakes and start to change—it would be difficult for me to get over everything he’d done to me. Maybe I’d be able to forgive him because holding a grudge would only make me more miserable, but anything beyond that would be pushing it.

  The small part of me that harbored these feelings I refused to accept lived with an illusion that there could be more to Blake and me and we could find happiness just like Sarah and Hayden, but I couldn’t keep having my head in the clouds. Reality was too painful for me to just get over it that easily and embrace Blake with all his flaws.

  Sarah wrapped her arms around Hayden and left a kiss on his lips. “I love that idea, Hayden.” She looked at Melissa. “It would be great if we could see bullies’ side of the story. I think it would also be good for the victims because that way they can deal with their issues in a healthier way. They would be able to better understand their past and see it wasn’t their fault for being bullied.”

  Mel rubbed her chin, deep in thought. “Hmm. I’ll consider it. Although I think bullies deserve the worst, you do have a point there. Then again, I have a bully in my own house, and I know very well what happens inside his head, so I can understand to some extent why he behaves the way he does.” She raised her index finger in the air. “But, this doesn’t mean I’m defending him or anything. He deserves to be put in his place after everything he’s done to all those poor students.” She popped another French fry into her mouth. “Speaking of bullies”—she nodded in the direction of Blake’s table—“I think your friends miss you.”

  Blake and Masen were looking right at us, and my cheeks warmed. This wasn’t the first time Hayden had eaten with us, but it was still unusual. I glanced away from Blake, unable to hold his derisive gaze.

  “Barbie can’t stop looking this way. I guess you’re more interesting than that chick next to him.”

  Hayden arched his eyebrows at her. “Are you jealous?”

  She nodded. “Madly. I’m so sick with jealousy I’m so going to puke these fries on you right this minute.” She rolled her eyes. “Actually, the whole cafeteria is staring at us. One can’t eat without all these nosy busybodies.” She pointed at him. “It’s like you’re a celebrity!”

  “It’s always been like that,” Sarah said. “He attracts attention wherever he goes.”

  “It’s b-b-because he’s beautiful,” Kev blurted out.

  We fell into heavy silence, and he went crimson red. Sarah shifted in her seat, looking at him with pity.

  Hayden cleared his throat. “Burks—”

  “I’m s-s-sorry,” Kev said with his eyes fixed on the ground as he jumped to his feet. “Forget about it.”

  “Kev,” I called after him, but he dashed away from our table and made a quick exit. Without thinking, I went after him, ignoring everyone’s stares.

  “Kev, wait!”

  His long legs carried him all the way to the other side of the school before I could catch up to him.

  “Kev!”

  “Leave me alone,” he cried out over his shoulder, giving me a glimpse of his teary face. My stomach sank.

  I grabbed his shoulder and turned him to face me with all the force I could muster. Each of his tears nailed new pain to my chest, and it bothered me that I couldn’t do much to help him deal with this.

  “I won’t leave you alone,” I replied with conviction that was rare for me. I glanced down the almost empty hallway and pulled Kev into the nearest empty classroom. I closed the door behind me. ”Talk to me.”

  He walked over to the windows and remained with his back to me. His shoulders were shaking, his hunched form telling me just how distressed he was. My heart ached for him.

  “It’s not important.”

  “It’s obviously important since you’re like this.” I approached him with a sudden surge of strength coursing through me. I felt protective of him.

  He was so much taller than me, but he looked so small and fragile I wanted to wrap my arms around him and shield him from the whole world.
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br />   “Sharing is caring, right?” I said.

  He sniffed. “I s-swear I’m not a crybaby.”

  I placed my hand on his shoulder. “It’s okay if you are. I’m a crybaby too.” I giggled. “We can be crybabies together.”

  A raspy chuckle slipped through his lips as he faced me. He quickly wiped the tears off his red cheeks. “I’m ashamed of talking about this with you.”

  “Don’t be. You’re my bestie. You can talk to me about anything you want.”

  His brows knitted together as he closed his eyes. “I feel awful.”

  “Because of what you said in the cafeteria?”

  “That too.” He sniffed a few times. “I feel awful for b-being…for being attracted to him.” His cheeks reddened again, and he turned away from me. “I’m a guy. I…I’m not supposed to feel this way.”

  I grasped his upper arm. “Don’t say that. You have the right to feel however you want to feel. That doesn’t have anything to do with your gender. It’s who you are.”

  He snapped his angry eyes over his shoulder to meet mine. “I don’t like it! I’ve been living with shame ever s-s-since I realized I…I like boys too. Even my mom thinks it’s weird!”

  I shifted closer to him, the urge to protect him becoming stronger. “She’s wrong. Just because she doesn’t understand your sexuality, it doesn’t mean it’s bad. Straight, bi, or otherwise, that’s who you are, and there’s nothing wrong with that.”

  “So you don’t think I’m messed up?”

  I pulled him around to look at me. “Absolutely not. You’re normal, and you should never be ashamed of that. I think you should embrace it and live your life however you want.”

  “But what if others find out? They’ll bully me even more!”

  I let out a heavy sigh. “It’s true that there are close-minded people who act like this isn’t the 21st century, but truth be told, bullies can find any reason to bully others, whether it’s their sexuality, appearance, or something else entirely.”

  At least this was what my therapist told me all the time. She encouraged me to embrace the way I looked and be proud of it because that was who I was. It was easier said than done.